what could've been.

the thought of how i could be in a totally different scenario, not being bothered by ignorant relatives and stupid clingy moms came to mind while i was laying in bed this morning. i remember my friend telling me that if i moved to new york with him, he'd take care of me and everything i needed- at that time, my grandma was still alive (i'm pretty sure this was after she found out that the doctors found a tumor in her lungs?) and i wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. then my grandma died and i'm STILL stuck in THIS state. it's depressing as fuck to be stuck resembling someone who you've tried your hardest NOT to become. i've even considered changing the spelling of my name so we don't show ANY similarity at all.. then the question of why i don't just change my name altogether so it's NOTHING like hers came to mind. that'd probably involve a lot of work though. i was fucked from the time i came outta her. every time i come close to getting as far away from her- something always happens and i'm back at square one. so needless to say- i hate my damn family (except joe and jay) because they have the mindset of misery loves company. if they can't be truly happy and satisfied then WHY THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO?! i haven't done anything with my life! when i stopped and thought about how a cousin of mine and her boyfriend called me a "welfare rat" and the question comparing our situations came to mind. I was involved in a car accident which nearly killed me and gave me a tbi while they don't have any health concerns (being ignorant is NOT a health concern.. oh yeah- my grandma told me her boyfriend had ADD or ADHD or some shit)- i've taken classes at THREE COLLEGES, managed to get out of a wheelchair, worked 4 different jobs, and volunteered. CAN THEY say the SAME thing? my mommy and daddy didn't own some company, so i technically wasn't able to fuck around and call people "welfare rats". you know where that term is gonna land you when you die? have fun in hell, say "hi" to satan for me. so i'm stranded in this unopportunistic state just because my family (except joe and jay) are a bunch of fuckin selfish losers who can't take the time to assist their family members after they nearly die to get where they can be truly happy and constructive. "YOU GOT THIS!" is the sad fucking excuse of "support" that i receive from them. it's like pushing someone in a canoe without a paddle or propellor in a wavy, wild river and screaming at them, "YOU GOT THIS!" expecting them to make it to land and safety. plus i'm sure she has knowledge of how stupid and careless this is.. SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE TO ACTUALLY MAKE IT RIGHT! my sister can try to find all the fuckin similarities as she wants so she can relate to me, so i THINK she's just like me but she hasn't been through HALF the shit i have. her mom actually cares about her- she'd never sacrifice her body if her dad would kick her mother. she also couldn't tie my shoes- she hasn't finished past the 8th grade i think.. i may be giving her too much credit though. so NO- you CAN'T relate to me and you DON'T know exactly how i feel- SO DON'T TRY THAT BULLSHIT WITH ME.. just because we're both damned with the same mothers. *GASP* I HAVE A BROTHER TOO! HE DID GRADUATE! HE ALSO HAS THE SAME FATHER AS I DO- UNLIKE YOU. the difference between you two is that he knows how to mind his fuckin business. we both must get that from our father. stupid cousins can try to downtone everything i've fuckin said but until THEIR mom holds them up to shield THEIR dad from kicking them.. IT DOESN'T MEAN A FUCKIN THING. she's a SHITTY MOM and you're shitty people for condoning this bullshit. *GASP* ANOTHER REASON WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO LIVE IN MINNESOTA! it's a nice place and all.. the people just SUCK and there's NOTHING to do.